Realizing the deodorant I have been using at the gym is hair spray.

Adding “have the will to live” to your to do list.

Referring to Us Weekly as “the paper”.

Laughing at my former schoolmate’s Facebook status, assuming that their Bible quote is a joke.

Forgetting the Ambien sex you had with your husband the night before until he reminds you of it over coffee.

Thinking that the wave machine is really helping my insomnia and realizing it’s the weed, Xanax and Tylenol PM.

Hoarding episodes of Hoarders.

Realizing that my main motivation for getting Lasik surgery is to have my best foot forward for the apocalypse.

Feeling really good about flossing each night before bed, and rewarding myself with a bong hit.

Not being able to afford health insurance but will most likely spend $200 on a DNA kit to find out the breed lineage of my chihuahua mix.